( 1 ) - A woman returned home on evening and asked her new maid, "Did you
clean out the refrigerator as I told you".
( 2 )- The Hollywood Actors ran into each other at the door of their psychaitrist's office. "Hello, there" said one. Are you coming or going?"
"If I know that" , said the other, "I wouldn't be here."
( 3 )-One friend to the other, "You should not drink daily". The other friend, " I do not drink daily. I drinks daily. I drinks only two days one when it rains and other when it does not rain.
( 4 )- Two friends who hadn't seen each other for a long time were having a meeting.
One says: " A dog is a very faithful animal."
Second says: " Yes, also believe the same before I met you."
Wife: " what happened". ( anxiously )
Husband: "Nothing, I just forgot to give you sleeping pills".
( 6 )- Customer: "waiter! I asked for "Aalu's Paratha" but I find no potatoes in it!"
Waiter: "What's in a name sir! If you ask for Kashmiri Pulau, will you expect to find Kashmir in it?"
( 7 )- In the corridor of a government office was a sign board reading "Don't make a noise."
Someone added the following words: " otherwise we may wake up."
( 8 )- Hurry! the doctor commaded his teenage daugthter, " Put my stethoscope and medicine box in my car that was an emergency call from someone who says he will die if I do not turn up immediately.
" Papa that call was not for you but for me repleid the girl saucily.
( 9 )- Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do? The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, chased the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the
rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the
bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks
inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The
bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta
tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The
customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good,
then I know it's time to go home.
( 11 )
was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab
and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the
taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very
fast! Made in Japan!" After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese
man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!" And
then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the
window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!" The driver was a
little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the
taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300. The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so
expensive!" There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in
( 14 )- This one needs an introduction, so you won't be lost at the beginning. This man was in an accident at work, so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response: "I am writing in response to your request for additional information, for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using the pulley attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools." "You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel." "Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope...
( 15 )-
a father and his rich family took his son to a trip to the country with the firm purpose
to show him how poor people can be. They spent a day and a night in the farm of a very
poor family. When they got back from their trip the father asked his son, "How was
the trip?" "Very good Dad!" "Did you see how poor people can be?"
the father asked. "Yeah!" "And what did you learn?" The son answered,
"I saw that we have a dog at home, and they have four. We have a pool that reaches to
the middle of the garden, they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lamps in the
garden, they have the stars. Our patio reaches to the front yard, they have a whole
horizon." When the little boy was finishing, his father was speechless. His son
added, "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are!
( 16 ) -
went into a grocery store, got 3 cans of dog food, and walked up to the checkout counter.
The cashier asks the man, "Sir, do you own a dog?" The man replies, "Yes I
do." The cashier then asks, "Do you have the dog with you?" The man
replies, "No, I left it at home." The cashier then says, "I'm sorry, but I
can't sell you this dog food unless I see your dog." A few days later the man walks
into the same store, gets 3 cans of cat food, and walks up to the checkout counter. The
same cashier asks, "Sir, do you own a cat?" The man replies, "Yes I
do." The cashier then asks, "Do you have your cat with you?" And the man
replies, "No, I left it at home." Then the cashier says, "I'm sorry, but I
can't sell you this cat food unless I see your cat." A few days later the man walks
into the store, this time carrying a paper bag. He walks up to the same cashier, and asks
him to put his hand into the bag. The cashier says, "It feels warm, soft, and
gooey." The man then says, "Now, can I go back and get 3 rolls of toilet paper?
( 17 )-For a
couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but
now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of the
USA is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There
are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29
million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million
are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the
14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to
do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to
do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do
the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
( 18 )-Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left. The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday." The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday." The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. My son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. Now, he's so rich that he just gave HIS best friend a million in stock for his birthday." The fourth guy comes back from the can. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids, so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son hasnt done much career-wise. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. But I guess his personal life is going OK. He's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. And to give you an idea just how much his boyfriends like him, check this out: three of his boyfriends just gave him a new Mercedes, a new house, and a million in stock for his birthday!
( 19 )-
Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and
caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?" "Just find out
about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives.
Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven." "Sounds easy enough. OK."
So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to
approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and
sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a
living?" The old man replied, "I was a carpenter." Jesus remembered his own
earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him." Jesus leaned forward some more. "You
lost your son? Can you tell me about him?" "Well, he had holes in his hands and
feet." Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?" The old man
leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
( 20 )- On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested she move to economy since she didnt have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak to her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving. The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I' m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked the captain what he said to her. The captain replied: "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York.
( 21 )- A junior high school principal had a problem with girls who were starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would blot their lips on the mirrors, leaving lip prints. So he spoke to the teachers and asked them for their help. They promised they would speak to the girls, but after two weeks, the situation didn't improve at all. He called a few of the girls parents who were his friends for their advice, but to no avail. The mirrors were constantly a mess. Finally he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered together all the girls who wore lipstick. He then took them into the bathroom and lectured about how hard it was to clean the lipstick off the mirrors. You could see the young girls smiling at each other, all nodding publicly but smirking to one another. The principal then asked the custodian, who was present, to demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors. The custodian took a long handled brush, dipped it into the toilet and vigorously rubbed the lipstick off the mirror. From that day forward, the mirrors stayed lipstick free.
( 22 )- A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. My husband just walked in the door.
( 23 )- A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. "That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!
( 24 )- The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. "Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves." "Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives. "For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000." Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?" "A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used.
( 25 ) - A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few" he asks. "No, not at all" the woman replied. They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few." "Oh that's all right" the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.
( 26 )- Two blonde builders were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood. The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?" The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!" The second blonde explained, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!
( 27 )-
Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his
wife until he marries her?
( 28 )- Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why's the groom wearing black?"